WE feel certain that any group of people as brilliant as Column One readers will need no introduction to those quixotic sayings that the quick-witted coin before you can say Oscar Wilde. We love ‘em.
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GOOD morning. OK – so what’s the speed of dark? One of our friends – yes, we still have one or two – sent us a list of quips and cranks, approximately one third of which may be printed in a nice family newspaper like The National. And given that we have been dealing with some of the weightier issues this week … here goes.
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YOU know those mornings when you awaken to the sounds not of the legendary Cock Robin or Jenny Wren, but the mournful honking of a murder of crows? (Yes it is, look it up.) Well, quoth not the raven but our friend: “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” We like it, and we’re honing our enthusiasm as we write. Grrr.
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OF course – if at first you don’t succeed … immediately destroy all evidence that you even tried. And have you ever stopped to consider how odd it is that alleged psychics – “give us yer palm, dearie” – always ask you for your first name? And while it’s amazing to watch eagles soar higher and higher, elephants don’t get sucked into jet engines.
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ARE you still with us? No, really? We scarcely know what to say … we’re quite stunned. Which reminds us — what happens if you get scared half to death ... twice?
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THERE’S a sad rather gloomy character who shares our broom cupboard at The National ; we think he’s the obituary writer but we’re not certain. He noticed our friend’s list, and without any change of expression contributed this profundity: “Everyone has a photographic memory – it’s just that some haven’t bought any film.” Then he shambled off, presumably to verbally inter another dear departed reader… oh well.
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YOU’LL doubtless be horrified to learn that our friend’s list is very, very long – but fear not, we’ve no intention of inflicting them all upon you. No … but just one more? Please? If your car travelled at the speed of light – would your headlights still work? Cheers!
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- Dee Nesenolis