The foolishness of wife-beating

By REV SEIK PITOI

“She looked like a little angel. The black and white laced dress she wore wrapped itself cosily around her cute little body, and the coconut shell hair clips her mother had bought her were beautifully arranged on her flowing black hair.
She stretched her legs and sank down in her seat, her chubby little hands tightly clutching her mother’s photo frame. It had been a long night and she was tired. She snuggled down, leaning towards her aunty who drew her close and hugged her.
Little Janine rested her head on her aunt’s chest while her tired eyes surveyed the faces of the mourners. She glanced briefly across to where her father sat. He had wept bitterly, now he sat motionless, deep in thought. Soon, the sound of weeping subsided as the minister began his homily. After a brief while, Janine peeked back into the open casket. She noted how her mother lay peacefully; but her once ever-smiling beautiful face was now still forever…”
So begins a short story I wrote some years ago to illustrate the foolishness of wife-beating. The fictitious story tells of a little girl being left motherless after her playboy father decides to be known among his people as a ‘woman’s man”, running off with one woman after another.
Any enquiry from his wife on his whereabouts and nocturnal exploits always ended in a violent beating, often in front of their little daughter. Eventually, the mother passed away, leaving behind a little girl who will remain scarred for life!
It may be just a story but how many times have we seen that scenario replayed before our eyes? How many kids have had to grow up in an abusive home where mum gets belted up whenever dad wants to release some steam for whatever reason? How many children have had to run away from home because it was unbearable to see mum get clobbered every other night?
Domestic violence not only destroys our women and our homes, it also greatly affects the minds of the children, with some boys growing up to emulate their father’s poor character. And so the cycle continues.
What causes this evil? Do we blame our culture? In most of Melanesia, we know the man is the protector, the provider and the priest over his home.
But he owns his wife like his other property since he paid bride price. Therefore, many times, he feels entitled to hit her and treat her like one of his children.
Her duties are many. She tends the gardens, feeds the pigs, bears and raises his kids. If he has ‘big man’ status, he is entitled to have additional wives. If he is a ‘good big man’, he will provide for all his wives and their children.
But today, in the modern world, things change slightly. The western concept of having one wife is a pain for some. We want modernisation and all the conveniences that go with it, but we also want what culture offers the big man – multiple wives.
In those days, the big man got his title through his prowess on the battlefield defending his land and family. He was respected as a leader of men by caring for those less fortunate in his tribe.
Today, the big man is the one with lots of PMVs and pigs. He’s the rich one with a university degree and travels overseas with his girlfriend.
He takes a second wife and belts the first one into submission, telling her it’s his ‘customary obligation’. He also feels he is right because he actually paid her bride price – so she has nothing to say on the matter! He’s the big man.
Well, the ‘man’ who is bigger than all of us is God, so we should see what He says about it. Someone once said that God created Adam and Eve – not Adam and Steve (so that rules out homosexuality), or Adam and Eve and Jenny (rules out polygamy)!
God’s plan was marred by the fall (Gen 3) when sin entered. Polygamy and the rest of the junk are seen through the Old Testament. But God’s ideal is expressed again in the New Testament at the coming of His Son, Jesus.
The coming together of a man and woman in marriage, as found in Genesis 2:24 is quoted by Jesus in Matt 19:5. This sets the pace for Paul’s teaching in the epistles about the place of the man, woman and children in a family.
The Apostle Paul says men should love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Eph 5:25). We know Jesus died for the Church. He sacrificed His life for us.
Paul says that’s what men should do for their wives. Imagine a man dying for his wife? Some men would do anything for their girlfriends, rather than their wives!
But Paul’s message is all encompassing. To love her means to do practical stuff for her. This will differ according to one’s context.
For instance, a man went overseas and learnt the western way of bringing home a lovely bouquet of flowers for his wife. It means a lot in the western culture.
So when he went to the village, he brought some flowers for his wife. The woman looked at the flowers and threw them away, calling out: “you think I’m an animal and I’ll eat these leaves?”
Well, humour aside, men need to know how to honour their wives in a practical way. Like one woman said, “the best gift is not giving me money or things, but being with me”!
But the women don’t have it all their way. Paul has a little word for them too. He says a woman should ‘obey’ or respect her husband (Eph 5:22-24). This means giving him his place of headship in the home and recognising his authority.
In fact, if a husband loves his wife sacrificially, respecting and honouring her in every way he can, it will only be natural to receive heartfelt submission and respect from a grateful wife. And in that environment of love and respect, the children will flourish.
So the foolishness of wife beating continues.
We march against it, preach against it, write slogans about it, and then beat our wives when dinner is not ready.
We can blame our culture but that is simply passing the buck. It’s time men arise and take stock of their lives, and make a choice to do the right thing.
God’s word has simply told us as men to love our wives. His word is supra-cultural. His pattern is the best.
If we call ourselves a Christian country, let’s see more love for our womenfolk in our homes and communities!

• Rev Seik Pitoi is a freelance writer.