True marriage or wrong marriage?

LIFESTYLE

By THOMAS HUKAHU
HAVE you heard people talking about couples as “they are in a real marriage”, or they are “not truly or properly married”, or something of that form?
Such comments cause one to think and ask questions like:
What is a real or proper marriage?
What is a wrong kind of marriage?
To answer such questions, we need to define what a marriage is.
And we also need to state where we are getting our definition from.
In Papua New Guinea, two sources that we can refer to would be the Christian Bible and/or our traditional cultural practices, as in the case of customary marriage.
Additionally, we have to be aware that our nation has laws that are related to marriage and practices or issues related to that.
Today and in the weeks to come, we shall consider views from these different sources or rules described by each to better understand the topic.

This is vital: Learn to make it right
I am not a marriage counsellor.
But what I share here will come from my observation of our traditional cultural examples as well as what I have learned from the Christian Bible and the lives of successful married couples over the years.
The important thing is for you to learn from the ideas, beliefs and tips given here so that you plan your life better.
Nobody likes to talk about failed or complicated marriages, but that is the case with many couples nowadays. People talk about the pain and regrets that they are facing today in their marriages.
Could they have done better had they thought a bit more before getting into a relationship that resulted in a marriage?
Would they have chosen another person had they known some simple things that they knew about later?
Are some young people reading this thinking about marriage?
Do they know if their view of a marriage is correct, or will be successful with the choice that they make?
It is my wish that people learn as much as they can about marriage, and the simple things, before they actually get into a relationship which may lead to marriage.
Some years ago, I was talking to a man in his 50s. I was younger than him.
After talking about different topics, he brought up the topic of marriage and family. And from out of the blue, he said: “I think I married the wrong woman.”
I was stunned.
Here was a man who had children and possibly grandchildren too already and to say he thought he was married to the wrong woman was to me unthinkable.
I did not ask him why he said that. I was not ready at that time to say anything.
Why didn’t he make the right decision?
Is it because he did not know better?
Or, is his view of a good marriage partner wrong?
It is my wish to help people avoid getting into such a situation by seeing how things can be done differently.

What is a marriage?
One online dictionary defines marriage as a legally or formally recognised union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. For us in PNG, the two partners are the man and the wife, who are the spouses in this union.
Marriage is also called matrimony or wedlock. You may have heard of people in a Christian church referring to holy matrimony because they view it as a holy union. You may also have heard people saying that a child was born out of wedlock, meaning she or he was born from a union of a male and female outside marriage.
The definition is a good one in that a marriage can be legal, as in done formally with the signing of an official document that is recognised by a court. The other part of the definition states that it is formally recognised and that can mean the couple marrying in a church or include the many customary marriage ceremonies convened everywhere in most parts in Papua New Guinea.
PNG has many different cultures, hence there are a lot of different ways in which marriages are formalised. Many of these marriages, if formally arranged, would see the exchange of gifts.
Prince William and Kate Middleton got married in a traditional Christian ceremony in Westminster Abbey in a much publicised event viewed by millions around the world. It was a formal wedding. It was not done in a secret place away from a crowd.

A Christian view of marriage
Most of what I will be discussing will be based on the three views of marriage and related issues – the legal side, the customary and the Biblical view.
A Christian media organisation, Focus on the Family, says that:
“Marriage is the first institution created by God. God made the first man, Adam, but declared that it was not good for Adam to be alone. He then brought all the animals, which Adam named but ‘no companion suitable for him’ was found (Genesis 2.20).
“God was revealing to Adam his incomplete nature. God created a woman, Eve, for Adam. He blessed them and their union and gave them the earth to rule over (Genesis 1.27-28).
“The creation of marriage occurred prior to sin’s entry into the world. It was a part of God’s perfect design for mankind.”
I have heard pastors teaching too that two of the most important decisions in a person’s life include deciding to truly believe in God (getting saved from sin) and deciding on who to marry.
The first decision is sensible enough. That is salvation.
The second decision is vital too. Because the person one is going to marry will be with them for the rest of their lives.
The Christian Bible is strongly against divorce, hence you cannot get married today and two weeks later, if you do not like your spouse, opt for divorce. In Luke 16.18, Jesus says: “Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.”
True, those are tough words, but that is what the Bible states.

So, which marriage is true or proper?
Now that we know the definition of a marriage, let is answer the question: Which marriage is true or proper?
A proper or true marriage, as per the definition given, is a formal union between a man and a wife. The formal union is one that can be recognised by a court, church or villagers as in a customary event where gifts or other items are exchanged.
Twenty years ago, I was in Goroka when I got word from a young man I knew from another province hundreds of kilometres away that his older brother “got married”. That was a shocker because I was with both of them a few months earlier and there was no word about the brother talking about marriage, which is a very important occasion and is usually planned months or years ahead.
But I kind-of worked out that the young man was referring to his brother taking a girl to his house. Were the two married? No. According to the definition of marriage, the two were not. They were in a de-facto or unofficial relationship. Such a relationship is not marriage, the two were merely living together.
And that is the case with many couples in PNG today, where a man and woman by some design or circumstances get together and find themselves living together under the same roof.
Some people say they are married, but formally and legally they are not. And in some of these cases, other problems arise from these practices, as when the woman’s parents approach the man and demand that their daughter be returned immediately because the arrangement was done without their consent.

Reasons for marrying
Why do people marry?
There are a number of reasons why people marry. And I will draw the answers from the Christian Bible as well as from observations.
Firstly, as in Genesis 2.20, it is for companionship.
Human beings are sociable by nature and it is better that a man has to live with a wife, or a woman needs a husband as a companion.
Secondly, it is for procreation.
God commands that human beings should continue their species on earth to take care of it. Children become part of the relationship between a husband and wife when they are born into the union.
Thirdly, for sexual pleasure.
Christian teachers teach that sex is only restricted to married couples and it is something to be enjoyed, it is a gift.
Unmarried people who have sex out of marriage commit fornication, which is a sin. Married people having sex with someone other than their spouse commit adultery.
In Christianity, sex comes after the partners are formally married. However, in today’s world the reverse is more common where sex comes first and afterwards the prospect of marriage is considered.
Fourthly, a traditional PNG marriage can actually be part of a peace pact between two warring tribes. A woman from one tribe may be given over in marriage to a man from the enemy tribe to prevent any more conflicts between their tribes. Fifthly, a marriage can strengthen ties between different families or villages.
In PNG, it can mean a man going to his mother’s people to marry a woman from there so the tie between his father’s and mother’s tribes are strengthened.
In older nations, a marriage can be arranged between two enterprising families to advance their empires.
That is usually the case in families who have business empires and what to further consolidate their plans or combining assets to expand.
Sixthly, a man or woman can be forced into a marriage due to circumstances.
A man who makes a woman pregnant can be forced into a “shotgun marriage” where the woman’s father forces the man to marry his daughter.
Alternatively, a woman can often be dragged into a marriage by a man who is in authority, or she is forced to do so by her parents for their convenience.
Some of the reasons given are sensible while others are not common and a few of them are sad, in the sense that a man or woman may be forced into a union that they have no say in.

Things are changing
In many customary marriages in PNG in the past, the union was arranged by the families of the man and woman without their consent.
But this practice is changing now. Even elders in the families see the need to ask the man or woman if they wish to get married to someone, they are not forced into a marriage.
Some formal marriages these days are often also done in private, where the man and the woman prefer only a few friends and relatives to be present where the two exchange rings and sign documents in the presence of a magistrate.
Such options can be taken to make a marriage a true or proper one. In later articles, I will discuss issues that arise from living in a union that can be questioned by a court or people in authority.
Next week: Staging a typical customary marriage

• Thomas Hukahu is an Australia Awards student living in Adelaide.