True love is unconditional

YOUR letter of the day titled “Men not always to blame for violence against women” (The National, Jan 13) prompted me to write this, which I wish to share with all couples.
Love that looks for a reason is love with conditions attached. Conditions give rise to expectations.
By expectations I mean those routine jobs, functions, or activities that husbands and wives automatically expect each other to do because it is their “role,” such as washing the dishes, cooking the meals, cleaning the house, cutting the grass, making the bed, bathing the children, and so on.
Expectations lead inevitably to disappointment. Disappointment leads to arguments, which strain the relationship, which then endangers fellowship.
Marital love is supposed to be like the love that Jesus has for His Church: unconditional, sacrificial, and without expectations or guarantees.
Fixed roles create expectations, and expectations imply guarantees.
For example, if a wife sees mowing the lawn as her husband’s “role,” that role creates in her mind the expectation that he will cut the grass when it gets tall.
If he does not, he has violated the “guarantee.” Her expectation turns to disappointment or even anger, and conflict results.
If a husband believes that meal preparation is his wife’s “role,” he will be upset if supper is not on the table when he gets home from work. His wife has not fulfilled the “guarantee” implied in his expectation, which is based on his perception of her “role.”
The upshot of all this is that love without reasons is love without expectations. If there are no expectations, there are no fixed roles. Marriage then becomes a relationship based on responding to needs rather than adhering to rigid pre-conceptions.
That’s why it would probably be better to refer to marital tasks as responsibilities rather than roles.
Whatever the need, whoever is able and available at the time is responsible.
Relating without fixed roles is a natural outgrowth of a marriage based on agape and in which the husband and wife truly are equal partners. Agape seeks to serve rather than to be served. Jesus demonstrated this principle in a powerful example recorded in John 13:3-17.
There was no question of roles.

Wanbel Niape
Boroko